I wasn't prepared for the reaction I had. Do you ever do that? Kind of mentally prepare for something, only to realize it was completely in vain?
When Paul was deployed I tried not to be THAT girl. I wasn't going to constantly worry about him. I knew there was down time, as well as time where he was risking his life in dangerous situations. I knew that. That was MY reality, and what I became a part of as I joined the ranks of military wifedom. I knew that some days and times I wouldn't hear from him, or know if he was okay, I came to terms with that. However, there is a deep sense of the unknown, that prior to my adoption into the army, I found fascinating, this other world where these awful things happen to other people. I talked to Paul's best friend every night. During that deployment Brien was the medic that worked the night shift. If anything happened, Brien would know and I would find out that way, my preferred way.
All spouses have a surreal vision somewhere in the back of their head picturing the outcome of highly ranking officials standing at the doorway of their home. Thus, when my enlisted husband talks about wanting to deploy again, my gut wrenches and I suck it up, because again I married into this life. I chose to raise our babies alone if my world comes crashing down in that fashion. I watch as he shifts from job to job craving what only war and adrenaline seem to be capable of creating. Thus, when we went to see Lone Survivor, I knew I would cry. I knew that it would be sad, and I was prepared for that.
I wasn't prepared for the last five minutes, the excruciating minutes filled with candid pictures of dead soldiers and their spouses, kids, dogs, guns. It's not so bad in the abstract, we all know that people die in war. It is different when it is your people, and every person who died in Lone Survivor and every war since the beginning of time belonged to someone. Those babies lost dads, wives lost husbands. The brutality of the movie was less striking to me than the brutality of life. How does someone survive that kind of loss, then have a movie made about it. It is beyond my comprehension to love that deeply. It's beyond my comprehension the allure of war, the allure of death. Perhaps that is the difference between myself and my military husband, I have to live for him so he can die for me, because isn't that the sacrifice we make marrying into the beast?